Every new parent knows the feeling. The feeling when you are entrusted with a little one with a fragile heart and an innocent soul.
The moment when we heard Macy’s first heartbeat, my heart was filled with a mixture of joy and fear. I was overjoyed that I will have a child but was also filled with fear. Will we have enough to provide for her needs? Will our love be enough for her to feel accepted and loved? Can we help her reach her fullest potential? Can I spur her towards her God-given destiny?
I don’t strive to be the perfect parent but I work towards being adequate. In every new season, I feel that feeling of inadequacy. So many needs. So many questions. I don’t think I will outgrow this feeling. Now I have two kids. New season. In a few months, my eldest will be a preschooler. Another new season.
How time flies.
Since Macy was born, I realized that parenting is difficult without Jesus. I had fears of lack. My fear escalates when I see how costly having a child is.
The problem with this perspective is that it was inward-looking and not upward-looking. I focus on my capabilities, on our income and on our circumstances. Having that perspective was tiring. The mind never rests when it focuses on fears. Though worrying for a mom is normal, she should not dwell in it. Fear is not from God. He has given the opposite of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 reads:
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
I realize that when I focus on my fears, my strength is sapped and my spirit grows weary. Worries steal the joy of the season. We are just like other families who have times when we wondered how God will provide in our circumstance. Whenever I pray for His provision, He reminds me that He who cares for the sparrows in the air, cares more for us and our children. Me who has so little faith. As it is written in Matthew 6:26:
“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”
True enough, the Lord has provided everything Macy needed, from a crib to her monthly vaccines and more. He has proven Himself faithful through the years. A few years later, I found two lines in my pregnancy test again. Worries crept in. Now we are entrusted with two.
I realize God always brings us to seasons and places where we need to be dependent on Him. My need of Him never stops. Now I have two, all the more I learn that my dependence on Him is directly related to my capacity to parent.
I remember one time when Noel and I were still planning to have a baby, our ministry partner and friend Ate Maida asked me if we were already planning to have a baby. I told her I desire to be a mom but I am afraid of so many things. She gently told me, “Your child is God’s child first. He will make sure she will have all she needs.” She shared that every time God adds to their family, He adds provision. Provision does not only pertain to finances, but also to strength, grace, love, joy and all things you need in the season He brings you to.
The key is staying in the will of Him who blesses us with children.
Without Him, I feel weak, sluggish and joyless. I am as tired as a normal mom with a toddler and a newborn but as my devotion to Him increased, He supplied increased strength, increased grace and increased love. Somehow I felt like my heart doubled when I was given two children.
The question still stands: Am I capable? Am I enough?
All I can say is through the years, my husband and I weren’t and I don’t think we will ever be but He is and He will always be. All that He requires from us is the willingness to surrender and be humble before Him.
Now my fearful heart is filled with faith and excitement for what’s ahead for our family. But worries can always steal the joy and faith. I have to be intentional to look up. I am glad to have a faithful God who is willing and faithful to provide all that we need. All we need to do is to seek Him and to surrender to Him. His faithfulness never fails. His grace never ends. His love never changes. HE is more than enough.